The term Nice Guys Always Finish Last is not just a saying, it’s a reality! It’s really been somewhat of a mystery, so, I’ve decided to write an article about it and see if I can figure out this conundrum. I think I have an idea, but until I flesh it out on the page I won’t know for sure.
I’ve always been told that I’m the nicest guy people have ever met. One friend even titled me The Nicest Guy on the Net! I think to myself, and often voice it, if they could only hear my thoughts! But we’ll just breeze over that statement and you hecklers that know me can just heckle amongst yourselves. The fact of the matter is that I would give you the shirt off my back if you were in need…without question. Just don’t ask me for my coffee or I’ll backhand you harder than a two-bit pimp cashing in on an empty-pocketed, spent hooker.
One of those thoughts slipped out from the ether that consists of my unimaginable thoughts and into reality. Mind bending, huh? I put a filter on that one because this blog is PG after all. I take my coffee seriously. So much so that at the intercom of the Dunkin Donuts drive-thru I politely ask if the Dark Roast is fresh today. My demeanor is such that of a sickeningly sweet & pleasant person that they happily brew me a fresh pot each time.
By now, you’re thinking to yourself, How is this guy finishing last when his little brown nose is getting good ole D&D to make him a fresh pot of coffee each time? Well? Number one: It should be fresh. Number two: It ain’t cheap. And Number three: Did you miss the part about where I said you should hear my thoughts. And to truly answer the question I put in your mouth: I shouldn’t have to ask for it fresh. If I don’t ask just one time, I get the sludge drippings from the oldest pot in America.
Coffee rant over…Here come the tasty bits, so pay attention. Don’t worry…I’ve finished my java! Everyone is safe…for now.
I’ve noticed in my mumble-mumble some odd years on this spinning blue marble, two kinds of people. Well, two types that stand out in this situation: Pleasers and those that like to be pleased.
Maybe you’ve heard that term, pleasers, before. Maybe not, but a pleaser is a person that has a need to make sure that everyone in their company is happy. There is a lot of eye-opening psycho mumbo-jumbo about it and you can read more on that here. It may just resonate with you. I know it did for me. Not entirely…I had a good home life, etc. But some of it is really, well: eye-opening!
Obviously, the people that like being pleased are the controllers. Think of it as give and take. The pleasers are always give-give-giving and the takers are always take-take-taking. It’s a symbiotic relationship, one that develops the beginnings of the ugly nature of Nice Guys Always Finish Last.
What at first starts off as being endearing, quickly becomes expected. And when things expected are not delivered, the world turns sour. That pleaser is no longer endeared as a nice person. That pleaser has turned into an emotional workhorse, per se.
A lifetime of pleasing others takes a toll on a pleaser. It can be exhausting, constantly aiming to please so that everyone remains happy. The takers tend to take advantage and their expectations are high. And it really isn’t their fault, honestly. It is just what happens because pleasers allow it. Sort of like a parent and child. The child expects of the parent and if the parent doesn’t deliver…
On the other end, the pleaser is no longer getting their “fix” and it makes them unhappy. It makes them feel like they are not living up to what is expected of them and it makes them feel bad. Genuinely feel bad. A good way to recognize this characteristic in yourself is if you consistently feel bad telling others no when asked anything. Pleasers really feel bad saying no to anything and they often don’t. They often do things they don’t want to do and shouldn’t have to do, merely because they don’t want to upset the other person.
So, how do we fix this?
If you’ve got a good solution, please post it in the comments. But I haven’t found a perfect one yet and I feel that it is because this personality trait is too far rooted in our psyche. It’s developed from childhood. And I don’t know if you’ve seen the prices psychologists and psychiatrists charge these days or any days for that matter…but if you’re in need of help, let’s just say you’d better Google it or you’ll go from mildly mental to the poorhouse in a couple sessions!
In the meantime, I think a better path to help would be one step at a time. Realization is key and by that, I mean the first step should be in realizing your own self-worth. Let’s face it…think about this now, seriously: If you don’t hold a high opinion of yourself & your actions, how are others going to view you?
You can still be that nice person everyone knows and loves, but you can occasionally say no. Test it out. It won’t feel pleasant, but I assure you, that person will get over it and if they’re truly a good friend, they won’t be mad at you. If they are? Time to reevaluate your friends. Do you really want to be running around pleasing someone that doesn’t appreciate it and isn’t truly your friend? You’re worth more than that and if you don’t believe it, call me & I’ll tell you so.
You have to take control back. But like I said, it has to be step by step, slowly, or you’ll appear to be a real asshole! If you suddenly start drastically changing your behavior, even if it is for the betterment of yourself, you will appear to be crazy and rightly so. Also, it’s like anything you dive too deeply into all at once; you’ll burn out. It’ll be tiresome, just like dieting and you won’t stick to it.
If you have to make a statement to your friends that you need to start doing things for yourself and for them to bear with you during your transition (no Call Me Kate jokes, please) then do it! That would be a first good step for your awakening. And now that I’ve said the word awakening, I’d like to enlighten you on a true mind-bending book that I’ve read: A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle
I won’t mislead you, there is some spiritual new age BS in there, but it wasn’t written to promote that sort of thing & neither am I. But between those pages, you’ll find some truly awakening theories. I promise you, if you read it, it will open your eyes to a lot of things that you didn’t realize. Mr. Tolle is a very, very brilliant man and I applaud anyone that is on an honest quest to improve the ethical nature of humanity in regards to the self for the greater of the whole. Read more about him here and see all the good he’s done and the fine company he holds.
If you really want your mind blown, order the audio book like I did. I’m a huge skeptic when it comes to anything spiritual or religious, which is why I bought the audio book. It’s the first & only audio book I’ve read. I find listening to stories odd. But this book is nonfiction, and while there are stories in it, they’re true & for informative purposes. I bought the audio version also so I could kill two birds with one stone. I listened to the book while cleaning.
Listen to me folks… This man, Eckhart Tolle, has a voice more hypnotic than his prose. I was truly and I mean TRULY moved by his voice & words. Nothing…has ever done that to me, ever. I’m not a very impressionable person. I’m not easily swayed by anything I haven’t learned or researched on my own. This book moved me and that’s the last thing I’ll say on the matter, other than: READ IT.
I hope this article has touched on some points for those of you that need it and I encourage comments, as always for anything, but especially if you’d like to discuss more on why Nice Guys Always Finish Last. With every article I write, I aim to please everyone that needs help. If it is only one person I’ve reached, then I’ve done my job because every single one of us adds up to the whole of humanity and what that means is that each and every one of us matters, equally. Below, I’ve created a little free added bonus…